By: Clint Hatton
Amárillys and I are not unique in that most married couples will face really difficult challenges in life if they stay in the game long enough. A tragedy can strike anyone, at any time.
Webster’s definition of tragedy is a disastrous event, calamity, or misfortune. The point is we typically don’t know in advance when a natural disaster, act of violence, sudden financial ruin, or the many other faces of tragedy could occur.
We certainly don’t live our lives looking around every corner expecting it to happen, nor do I believe we should.
But if it ever does hit, will we have practiced habits and behaviors that will serve our marriage well (and family if you have children) and empower us to withstand the assault?
Over the course of 21 years, we have faced a variety of traumatic events.
Amárillys’ had a run of difficult pregnancies. The scariest was when she was pregnant with Liam. She developed HELLP Syndrome and was forced to deliver Liam three months early to save her life and give Liam a chance. Born at 1lb 14oz, he was hospitalized for two and a half months. It was a scary, stressful time that put tremendous pressure on our entire family.
Then in 2012, Amárillys suffered a spiral fracture of her femur while wakeboarding on a remote lake in Eastern Washington. After having a major surgery to install a titanium rod and screws to put her back together, she could not walk or drive a car for over five months.
The tragedy of losing our son Gabriel to a plane crash in 2019 was clearly the worst tragedy we’ve faced.
There have been some very difficult financial situations and challenges as a family peppered in as well along our journey. Our marriage has stayed strong throughout.
It hasn’t been by happenstance. What I am about to share have been the values, character traits, and strategies we have used throughout our marriage.
It’s important to note, we have not done any of these perfectly. We have had to recalibrate many times. But we have exercised all of these consistently.
Blips on the radar have been the exception, not the rule.
Over the course of the next couple of weeks I will share seven ways in which you can “tragedy proof” your marriage. I hope and pray you never need them for that reason.
Admittedly, that’s probably not the greatest motivator I could have used. But I am hoping I at least have your attention now.
So, what if I told you these tools have the potential to create an exceptional, exciting, and fulfilling marriage that stands the test of time?
What if I told you that even if you started with a faulty, cracked foundation, these can lay the groundwork for a radical transformation in your relationship?
I’ll add, most of the seven ways can be applied in any type of relationship, including those with your friends and in the workplace.
I wholeheartedly believe you can learn, practice, and most importantly, sustain each of these over the course of a lifetime. For us, these are not principles we teach, it is how we do life.
It is up to you to decide if these are worth the effort and giving them a try. Anyone can apply them, but it does take work!
Read on, if you dare!
1. Embrace Open Communication
Open communication is a foundational, critical component of building trust in any relationship, especially in marriage! Amárillys and I shared a friendship for almost two years prior to our engagement. That season was very beneficial for us prior to making the decision to get engaged, and eventually, say “I do”. We had many conversations about many different things.
Here’s a shocker, in some instances we had to overcome conflict! We didn’t view our relationship through rose colored glasses or ignore how we really felt about certain things. At times, some of our conversation initially led us to believe that maybe we were not meant for each other.
Some of those talks were painful. But they were necessary, formative for our future relationship, and are you ready … healthy!
I’ve known some married couples over the years that claimed they never fought. That sounds nice, perhaps even ideal.
But their divorced now.
I believe that’s because too many things were hidden below the surface and ignored. The chasm grew too wide between unmet expectations around money, sex, raising children, dreams and goals, or perhaps how to transition into being empty nesters and finding a way to grow together and be unified.
It’s important to understand arguing or “fighting” is a natural part of the human experience, certainly in a marriage. It’s how you do it that is the game changer.
We began our marriage with a strong desire to develop and maintain healthy communication until death do us part. That means having courageous conversations.
While we have certainly had some moments over the course of 21+ years where it seemed like we had bit off more than we can chew, the effort has been well worth it.
Great communication always starts with a decision to be willing to work at it, even when it’s hard. We have, and it has paid off, in good times and troubled.
Here ‘s are things we employ that have made a big difference for our communication:
2. Speak Truthfully
Share all of your thoughts, fears, and dreams with your partner. As I have already stated, one of the greatest killers of marital intimacy and fulfillment is a result of unmet expectations. Often these unmet expectations are either poorly defined or completely unspoken.
This can be scary. It can be hard to process at times when we are not fully aligned. No one wants to hear that our significant other is not getting their needs met or want more from us or our lives together.
You can choose to avoid being truthful about your thoughts, desires, and feelings. Practice this long enough and it will eventually lead to resentment and bitterness deeply seeded in your subconscious mind. It will spill out in ways you don’t even recognize into other areas of your life.
Some people eventually justify it by becoming a self-imposed martyr.
What a tragic way to live.
3. Listen Actively
Show genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and perspectives. I have heard some say listening is as important as speaking. I completely disagree. Listening is MORE important than speaking!
That is, if you’re sincerely interested in gaining understanding of what your spouse thinks, feels, expects, and how they experience you being you.
Putting away all electronic devices and eliminating any other distractions will go a long way in improving your listening skills during a conversation with your spouse (or anyone else for that matter!).
Practice repeating back what you heard them say. Not word for word like a parrot, that’s just annoying! Rather, use phrases such as “what I heard you saying is …., is that what you meant/how you feel?”.
4. Here’s another, take notes!
Seriously.
That may sound odd to some of you, but writing down what your spouse is communicating to you in certain situations can show you’re serious about truly hearing what they are saying.
This technique will improve the accuracy of your memory of what was said and serve as a reference you can go back to for clarity when needed.
I recommend talking about this before the conversation starts. I do this in every coaching session I have with clients. I let them know up front I will be writing down things that stand out to me, so I don’t interrupt their flow of thought.
Lastly, set a timer for an agreed upon number of minutes and be silent while the other speaks. When the time is up, switch. This can help fight the natural urge to be thinking about how you want to respond to something that was said instead of focused on listening to understand.
Here is where jotting down a couple of notes may also be helpful. If there is something you want to address later, just note it and put your attention back to listening.
5. Hold a State of the Union Address
This is not anything like what we see our President’s do every year! I coined this term roughly 15 years ago while developing strategies for a marriage coaching team we led at the time. It came out of a very personal experience.
This one is simply carving out intentional time to openly discuss the current state of our relationship.
Amárillys and I knew a couple that had been married for over 25 years, and by all accounts to everyone around them, including the wife, happily. One day the husband walked in and shockingly announced he was leaving his marriage and moving to another country (leaving his adult children behind as well). The wife was shocked and expressed how she never saw it coming.
I decided that day I never want to be a casualty of ignorant bliss by assuming that if I felt everything was going well, our marriage must be good.
Here’s how you do it. Schedule a time that you are most likely to have a lower level of stress and no distractions. We do this at least a couple of times a year, sometimes more, depending on evolving circumstances
DO NOT attempt this in the heat of a battle!
Ask open ended questions to explore how your spouse experiences you being you.
Some questions to explore might be:
Can you describe a moment when something I did made a significant difference in your day or life?
What are some ways you feel our relationship has changed you as a person?
What are some things I do that make you feel most loved and appreciated?
What aspects of my personality or behavior do you find most inspiring or motivating?
How would you describe the way I communicate with you, and how does it affect you?
How do you experience my presence when we are together during challenging times?
How do you feel when you think about the way I support you in our relationship?
PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS NOT AN EXERCISE TO BLUDGEON OUR SPOUSE WITH CRITICISM!
The goal should be to openly discuss what is going well that you need to continue to do, and what areas need improvement or change.
We are just getting started! I feel it’s prudent to mention here that relationships are messy, because we are messy.
If you are starting to incorporate some of the tools and strategies I am laying out for the first time, there’s a good chance you’ll uncover some deeper, personal issues.
Living this out may require getting some professional help. There is no shame in getting assistance to dismantle unhealthy coping mechanisms, thought patterns, or habits.
You deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself possible. Great marriages are made up of two whole people coming together as one. It’s the one exception where two halves do not make a whole.
Until next week, never stop living BigBoldBrave!
~ Clint
I’d love to get your thoughts. Shoot me an email! info@bigboldbrave.us
